I’ve been quiet lately. Well, quieter than usual. Barely tweeting, posting on facebook even less, and it’s been more than two months since I last posted here. For being as public as I typically am, I’ve been internalizing a lot lately. I feel alone, isolated. I’ve been here before but it has been a long time. And those years are a black smear in my memory. I don’t want that to happen again so I have to let myself be vulnerable. Let my fears and anxieties out, not bottle them up.
Today marks 4 months at my new job. In those 4 months I changed jobs (obviously) from customer service in telecommunications to community management for a health care IT company (it’s like learning a new language). Went from a 15 minute drive each day to 500 miles each week (lots of time to think). I see my daughter about 2.5 hours a day, my husband only slightly more (one word: sucks). Recently diagnosed with IBS, it goes without saying that I don’t feel well on a regular (er, irregular) basis. We’ve owned our home for four years and suddenly one thing after another has started falling apart or has needed to be replaced (credit card debt is fun). My dad, from whom I inherited my work ethic (he’s a workaholic who never misses a day of work) has been bedridden for 3 weeks with crippling back pain and is scheduled to have 3 vertebrae fused later this month. This last one is weighing heavily on my mind. I’ve never heard my dad speak about pain the way he has recently and it makes me feel helpless.
Ok, all of that sounds like I want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t. I just had to let it out. Like my husband says, I have to stop focusing on the negative.
So what is positive in my life? My husband is an amazing daddy who takes care of our brilliant and beautiful daughter every day. I’ve cleaned up my diet even more than before, cut out caffeine, started exercising daily and I’m down 7 pounds. My house might be falling apart but at least I have a house. I work for an incredible company that’s revolutionizing health care, helping to manage an enterprise social network no less. And I’ve only worked there 4 months! I have to stop being so hard on myself, it isn’t possible to be an expert in such a short period of time.
As far as my dad goes, it’s motivating me to better our relationship. We’ve had our struggles over the years but life is just too short. Family is the one constant in life and that is where I have to focus my energy. So if I’m quiet online, it’s not that I’m not interested in other people’s lives, it’s just that I’m working offline on my own.