Letting it All Out

I’ve been quiet lately. Well, quieter than usual. Barely tweeting, posting on facebook even less, and it’s been more than two months since I last posted here. For being as public as I typically am, I’ve been internalizing a lot lately. I feel alone, isolated. I’ve been here before but it has been a long time. And those years are a black smear in my memory. I don’t want that to happen again so I have to let myself be vulnerable. Let my fears and anxieties out, not bottle them up.

Today marks 4 months at my new job. In those 4 months I changed jobs (obviously) from customer service in telecommunications to community management for a health care IT company (it’s like learning a new language). Went from a 15 minute drive each day to 500 miles each week (lots of time to think). I see my daughter about 2.5 hours a day, my husband only slightly more (one word: sucks). Recently diagnosed with IBS, it goes without saying that I don’t feel well on a regular (er, irregular) basis. We’ve owned our home for four years and suddenly one thing after another has started falling apart or has needed to be replaced (credit card debt is fun). My dad, from whom I inherited my work ethic (he’s a workaholic who never misses a day of work) has been bedridden for 3 weeks with crippling back pain and is scheduled to have 3 vertebrae fused later this month. This last one is weighing heavily on my mind. I’ve never heard my dad speak about pain the way he has recently and it makes me feel helpless.

Ok, all of that sounds like I want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t. I just had to let it out. Like my husband says, I have to stop focusing on the negative.

So what is positive in my life? My husband is an amazing daddy who takes care of our brilliant and beautiful daughter every day. I’ve cleaned up my diet even more than before, cut out caffeine, started exercising daily and I’m down 7 pounds. My house might be falling apart but at least I have a house. I work for an incredible company that’s revolutionizing health care, helping to manage an enterprise social network no less. And I’ve only worked there 4 months! I have to stop being so hard on myself, it isn’t possible to be an expert in such a short period of time.

As far as my dad goes, it’s motivating me to better our relationship. We’ve had our struggles over the years but life is just too short. Family is the one constant in life and that is where I have to focus my energy. So if I’m quiet online, it’s not that I’m not interested in other people’s lives, it’s just that I’m working offline on my own.

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About sarahkscoular

Sarah K. Scoular (@sarahkscoular on twitter) has 15 years customer service experience including face to face, over the phone and via digital interactions. Sarah is currently Enterprise Community Manager for uCern, the enterprise 2.0 social platform where Cerner Associates and Clients connect and collaborate. She ensures the 100,000+ member network is connecting people with others in similar roles or special interest groups, sharing information and finding answers to the questions they're looking for. Sarah helps others who are helping to revolutionize Health Care. Outside of work, Sarah is the wife of a graphic designer/laser engraver and the mother of seven-year-old Madeleine. She loves to cook clean, plant-strong foods and is a certified yoga and Les Mills BODYFLOW instructor.
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11 Responses to Letting it All Out

  1. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Hey Sarah,

    We’ve all been there before. I’m sorry that you’re currently hitting a rough patch. While you’re on the road, may I suggest listening to NPR? I’m assuming you don’t like Sports Talk (that’s what I turn to when I’m on the drive). Hearing a person talk is a little less lonely than whatever crap is on the radio (though that Party Rock Anthem is pretty good).

    I’ve got a parent with some health challenges too. It’s always a struggle – seeing someone you love in pain is the worst – but it sounds like you have a great attitude about it. Control what you can, and then just be positive about the rest. Your man is a first class dude, and he’s spot on in his advice.

    You’re a strong woman. You’ll get through this and get adjusted. Good luck buddy.

    • Thanks Shawn 🙂

      I do have a carpool buddy and we listen to the 24/7 comedy radio station quite a bit. Still, 2 hours in a car everyday gets tiring.

      I hope everything with your family works out for the best too. I really appreciate the words of encouragement!

  3. I ditto what Shawn said. I love reading your tweets, your blog – you always handle things with such grace and humor and I admire that about you a lot. *hugs* and hang in there. You are a tough cookie with a good head on your shoulders who is going to get through this rough patch. But in the meantime, it’s totally okay to cry once in awhile and need a hug, we all need to do that sometimes.

  4. Josh Davis says:

    Sarah, I always enjoy your writing. Thanks for sharing such an open account of the difficulties of transition and unexpected issues. You can add to your many positives, that you help others by sharing a more realistic perspective on life.

    I have also found my Twitter usage drop over the last month, and I miss it quite a bit. But I still check in, and I see interesting and useful information when I do.

    I think it is great you are connecting more your Dad. Valuing the time you have with those close to you makes a lot of sense. My own father has been in the LMH for the last week, and it doesn’t look like he will ever go home. He has been diagnosed with sever dementia at what still seems young age of 61. It is always tough to see someone in pain, but for those of us who are so into thoughts and ideas, seeing someone no longer be able to process basic thoughts is one of the toughest things to deal with.

    All of this is to say, I really appreciate your blog post. It came at a good time for me.

    • Wow Josh, way to make me cry. 😉 I’m humbled that my words could make a difference for you and your family is in my thoughts.

      • Josh Davis says:

        Thanks again. Sometimes it is cathartic to write about difficult times, and I don’t think I would have written down my current experiences if it wasn’t for your post. I would apologize for the tears, but I sometimes that is cathartic too. And thanks for your thoughts. I am grateful to have supportive friends, family and even online friends.

  5. katyibsen says:

    Sarah (and Josh), you two are inspirations to me. It’s confusing when life turns from rain to a downpour. One poem I’ve always looked to is one my dad and I share, he too not in great health. I hope it brings some clarity when we that seems so unattainable.

    I Am Thankful For…
    * For the teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV, because that means he is at home and not on the streets.
    * For the taxes I pay, because it means that I am employed.
    * For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
    * For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.
    * For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.
    * For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home.
    * For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech.
    * For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking, and that I have been blessed with transportation.
    * For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.
    * For the lady behind me in my place of worship when she sings off key, because it means that I can hear.
    * For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.
    * For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.
    * For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive.
    and finally….
    * For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

    • Love this poem Katy, thank you for sharing! I am so thankful to have all of you in my life.

    • Josh Davis says:

      Thanks Katy. I like the phrasing of a “rain to a downpour”. Great poem. I don’t think I will ever look at a “First World Problem” tweet the same again. Each of our daily issues/tasks, points to underling opportunity or position we are fortunate to be in. Hope your dad’s health maintains or even improves. I know a hope isn’t always in line with what will happen, but I have seen remarkable comebacks in my life, so even troubles can allow for possibility of improvement. Thanks again for sharing.

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